I just read a book about sex. Nadia Bolz-Weber, a Lutheran minister out of Denver wrote the book, Shameless: A Sexual Reformation. In the book she addresses a spectrum of topics from purity and sex ethics, all the way to abortion. The book did not evoke mild emotion.
Nadia summarizes the book with these words, “Here’s what this book is. It is a DNA test of our own harm, picking our arms, drawing blood, and showing us where we came from so that we know how to step toward something new. It offers layers of stories and voices and perspectives and history and poetry and scripture. Like a human body, it has curves.”
Sex is complicated for people. For youth, young adults, and even older adults. It is helpful to have someone take on the audacious task of talking about the different topics openly, because to be honest, the church isn’t the first place people think of to talk about sex. I don’t think Nadia was right about everything she said, but here are a couple points I thought were worth sharing.
The World Health Organization’s definition of sexual health puts forth two defining characteristics for a sexual ethic, consent and mutuality. But Nadia doesn’t stop with only these two characteristics. She goes on to say, “A Christian sexual ethic must offer more than this.” She pushes for not just an ethic that rests upon the absence of bad behavior, but for sexual flourishing. Nadia suggests bringing concern to consent and mutuality, saying, “A sexual ethic that includes concern means seeing someone as a whole person and not just a willing body.”
Nadia goes on to name that in the church’s pursuit of holiness, we settled for purity. She says, “But no matter how much we strive for purity in our minds, bodies, spirits, or ideologies, purity is not the same as holiness. It’s just easier to define what is pure than what is holy, so we pretend they are interchangeable.” She expounds by saying purity is also easier to regulate than holiness. She names the honorable pursuit of desiring to be holy, but acknowledges somewhere in the process the church has stopped short. She says, “the desire to live a holy life that is pleasing to God is understandable, but this desire is also fraught with pitfalls.” She names a necessary distinction, “holiness is about union with, and purity is about separation from.”
Before I came to First Pres Nashville, I had only worked with youth – kids in either middle school or high school. It is pretty easy to tell them to simply not have sex. Some of them didn’t listen, but some did. When I started working with young adults, people from ages 10-30, the conversation got a little more complicated. I remember talking with one young adult when they asked, “Am I supposed to just keep doing what they told me in youth group? I’m in my mid-thirties! It just seems juvenile.” Another young adult brought the conversation up, but without ever really addressing sex. They said, “We didn’t really want to compromise our values, but we really couldn’t afford to live in two separate apartments, so we moved in together.” The conversation is as much about finances and human development as it is about sex.
A friend asked me, “Is this a conversation the church is capable of having?” I’m not sure the answer to that question, but I want to answer yes.
The conversation is complicated and can be awkward, but I don’t want people to believe the church has nothing to offer in contributing to humanity’s sexual flourishing. I can’t promise answers, but I will always have the necessary conversation. Because ultimately, it would seem odd that God created such a wonderful thing, only for us to completely avoid the topic. Amen? Amen.